Wednesday, August 1, 2012

shades of blue

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defeated.

deflated.

disappointed.

i cannot seem to rid myself of these feelings of dissatisfaction which my heart holds today.
it is unlike me really... to allow myself to become so utterly saddened.

perhaps the stresses of mothering a disabled child are getting the better of me.
perhaps watching my father's health declining from dementia
and my inability to fix things has slapped me in the face.

i want to be all things to all who need me.
i cannot say 'no'
yet,
 i cannot be all things to all who ask of me.

weakness? ...perhaps.

seeing with eyes wide open the injustices of the world... so many with so little
yet,
so many with more than enough .
a monstrous envy has invaded my heart as i have wept for what i do not have.
i am aware and empathetic for those who have less...
yet, i am bitterly aware of those who have more; today i have chosen to pity myself.

so much love in my heart for this child i call my own.
my precious gift from the Lord above
entrusted to cherish, mold, and support this life into more than i am.
i wish no mother would ever have to endure that which i have faced
yet,
I  am resentful of those who have not...
i cry
i weep
i would not change our experiences for the world yet i hold spite.
though perhaps not for myself really, but for her.
i want to change the world for her.

fear...
inadequacy...
self doubt...

facing this life i've led i debate my choices.
questioning the path that i am on.
tossing a coin in the air as to which road i should be on 

tonight i ponder a life unlike which i know.
tonight i pray.

perhaps i need to set my priorities straight; for i know not where these thoughts have crept in from.
perhaps i need to get right with my God.
i'm fully aware of how absolutely pathetic and whiny i must sound to you my dear friends
tonight as i ramble and i hold great doubt that i should even hit publish.

i cannot be all things to all who need me.

but with the strength of my Lord, one thing holds true...

i can be something for everyone.

these shades of blue will pass
they always do.
i am not envious nor spiteful, boastful nor proud
i am imperfect perfection known as human.
as i pray tonight and ask for forgiveness i will pray also for whatever demons may be taunting you
these shades of blue will pass.

tonight i ask for your prayers to heal my wounded soul
and i invite you to add in the comments any prayers you may in turn need
for it is written
James 5:16










































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2 comments:

andie jaye said...

you've brought me to tears with your beautiful words.... i am including you in my prayers many times over. i'm only a click away...

Rebecca @ My Girlish Whims said...

aw Kim, praying for you! Things sound very stressful and tiring for you right now :(

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