Wednesday, June 20, 2012

A Broken Mommy Heart

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The post I planned on sharing today in the continuation of Budget Weddings has been bumped.
I will be sharing that with you very soon... but today- I share my heart.

Last evening, I witnessed a scenario with Boom which broke my Mommy heart to pieces. 

The scene:
Boom, while sitting in my bedroom, was looking at herself in my makeup mirror... I watched quietly.   I had never encountered Boom so smitten with herself in the mirror before.  I was Quite amused actually as she stuck her tongue out at herself and made funny faces by opening her eyes big and wide.  She would slowly turn her head to the left then the right while opening and closing her mouth as wide as she could and scrunching her face at tightly as it would scrunch.  I hovered at the door praying that she would not see me standing there as this show was much better than any on the TV.  As I was getting ready to enter the room and announce my presence, she spoke.
Not to me but To herself.
The fact that she spoke to herself did NOT freak me out in itself... it was what she spoke that hit me like a ton of bricks.  She was saying hello to herself over and over and smiling then,
"You are a bad bad girl... yes, yes you are.
You are ugly... you have no friends."

I walked into the room, trying to be nonchalant so as not to let on that I heard her.  She turned and smiled at me, explaining happily that she was looking at herself.  She then explained that she was talking to herself too... happily explaining that the Boom in the mirror talked back too. 

I am not concerned at the mirror incident, the talking and talking back... perhaps I should be?  I do know that my daughter's illnesses also cause mental disturbances {for lack of a better word} or that her mental capacity is not able to encompass and grasp the concept of a mirror image...

What breaks my mommy heart is that she fells she is bad... and ugly.

Rewind... 5 hours earlier...

Boom and I were informed that she needs not one but 2 hearing aids.  {I will share my personal thoughts on this on a later post.} 

In the daily life of a soon to be 16 year old girl this is huge...   We spent some time together lying on the bed... mostly mommy listening to how she felt, and I tell you what she felt was not pretty.  She is sad and a little afraid of getting these devices { she understands why she needs them} but she is mostly MAD.  It broke my heart to hear her so angry with herself for needing them.  She feels somehow responsible; as if something she has done or said... has caused the need for the devices. Boom told me she was sorry... 'so sorry mommy... I'm sorry'

This is where being a Special Needs Mommy gets tough...

There is nothing I will not do, no fight I will not fight for this child.  I have performed life sustaining procedures on this child which one never dreams of performing on their 'own' child.  I've pinned my 1 year old to the ground by sitting on her to change a trach... I've performed CPR and bagged my own lifeless child in crisis.  I've wiped my daughter's blood drenched stoma after a nurse in charge of her home care nearly killed her... 

You DO what you need to DO when you need to DO it.  Then you break down later... out of sight of your child.  SN parents are awesome like that!

What I can't seem to do is make my child understand just how perfectly beautiful she is.  
That this life she has been given is not her fault!




18 comments:

shelley colquitt said...

It breaks my hear to hear sweet little boom say those things, because she is none of those. Nobody tells you that you have to pick up so many pieces when you SN child just know that I love you and I am here for you.. I think Mighty Z and Boom need to skype what do you think?

confessionsofasleepdeprivedmomma.blogspot.com

Emily said...

This breaks my heart too! She is beautiful!

KraftinMommy said...

She is beautiful...I'm saying a prayer for your heart to feel better. I'm a special needs teacher in an elementary school and come across similar feelings towards my students. We will always be their advocates and their voice! Stay strong! :-)

Natalie said...

Aw Kim thats so sad. She is beautiful - really beautiful. Bless her heart and yours. big hugs Nat

Paula Boudreaux said...

Prayers headed your way Kim, for you and Boom, that she will find a friend thats just perfect for her!

Sue and Danny O'Mullan said...

I am serious when I say that it is time for her to have chapter one of her own book that she can carry or read or have read to her any time she feels the need.... no matter how her cognitive receptive level...it doesn't matter...I have used these successfully for years...a social story if you will...titled who is pretty or something she will recognize with a picture of just her on the cover...words and pictures above each word ....have u ever tried board maker with her or social stories with the added personalization ....for example ....the word beautiful could be the picture of her wearing a tiera or holding a flower... every time the word bebeautiful is written that same picture of her beautiful self appears above...for each directive sentence u need 3 to 5 descriptors....I think she may love it....something to first help her to believe in herself and build her self esteem....I am thinking outloud as the lump in my chest is hurting and my tears feel like boiling drips of water on my face....can't imagine ur pain at the moment...a chapter on how kind she is giving specific examples and using another picture of another person not being kind...etc etc.i think I feel some of hers right through ur words ....

Feral Turtle said...

I read this and got really choked up. Your daughter is beautiful, in every sense of the word! Hopefully she will read these posts and see what we all see!

cassie-o said...

This is so hard to hear. You are a special mom to handle all this!

Beth (www.livinglifeintentionally.blogspot.com) said...

My heart breaks for you! First of all let me say you are an AMAZING Mom!!! The things you've experienced have made you strong and wise beyond what many of us will ever be. All teens feel dissapointed or not perfect during their teens, but for a special needs child it can really get amplified. She is so beautiful! But you already knew that =-) HUGS to you as you love on your child and meet her needs. I am saying a prayer for you both right now!
Beth =-)

Charlotte Taylor-Page said...

Oh wow, this is a heartbreaking and beautiful post!

Much love and prayers to you and your wonderful daughter.

kindergartenbasics said...

Self-Esteem issues affect every child - but more so with children who have special needs (as my daughter does). With Sarah, I compliment her beautiful hair often, tell her how beautiful she looks when we go to church, everyday give her lots of hugs and tell her "I love you." I know you are already doing these things. I ask friends to tell her that they love her new skirt or necklace and to give her compliments. They don't mind at all. Sarah usually replies, "I know" but after 21 years of asking her to say, "Thank you" instead - I've given up and just smile. Children with special needs have the most beautiful spirits on earth - in my opinion. I think they are closer to God than us "regular" people - and are truly special to Him. Prayers and hugs your way. Remember: You are a special mom to have her. God picked her for you to raise.

Debs- Learn with Play @ home said...

You got me all choked up then. So heartbreaking. I don't know if this will make you feel any better at all but this is a difficult age for girls and the types of things that Boom said are not dissimilar to things said by other girls (without SN as well) her age too. Sounds like you are doing the most wonderful job with her and she's ever so lucky to have a mum like you :)

Katie Norris said...

What a wonderful mom you are!! She is so lucky to have you in her life as her cheerleader! My hear goes out to both of you!!

kindergartenbasics said...

Here is a great post on having a Beauty Pageant for Kids with Sp. Needs. I really like this blog for information and support. Beauty shines from the inside out. http://www.lovethatmax.com/2012/06/beauty-pageant-for-kids-with-special.html

The Iowa Farmer's Wife said...

She is so blessed to have you for a mom. This was a heart-breaking, but such a heart-felt post. Thank you for sharing, as hard as it was. She is such a beautiful girl and I'll be praying for her to understand the beauty that she is to the world.

Kimberly Sminkey said...

Thank you all for your sweet and heart felt comments! I know that God will see us through this and I am very very aware that it could be worse!!! As with all teen girls, SN or not, a drama is a drama... so I appreciate you all!

Jennifer Fischer said...

What a heartfelt post. My heart goes out to you both. Sounds like you are doing a great job with her. I can't imagine how challenging it must be. Also, regarding the hearing aids, my mom worked for decades in that industry, and I know there are some very small devices, but it must be scary. I hope the process is not too difficult for her and you.

Rona Gregory said...

Aw Kim, I only just caught up with blogging...this post has left me not knowing what to say ... but sending you both hugs. Boom has a very special mom... you are both beautiful, and very brave for sharing everything with us. xx

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