A Broken Mommy Heart

The post I planned on sharing today in the continuation of Budget Weddings has been bumped.
I will be sharing that with you very soon... but today- I share my heart.

Last evening, I witnessed a scenario with Boom which broke my Mommy heart to pieces. 

The scene:
Boom, while sitting in my bedroom, was looking at herself in my makeup mirror... I watched quietly.   I had never encountered Boom so smitten with herself in the mirror before.  I was Quite amused actually as she stuck her tongue out at herself and made funny faces by opening her eyes big and wide.  She would slowly turn her head to the left then the right while opening and closing her mouth as wide as she could and scrunching her face at tightly as it would scrunch.  I hovered at the door praying that she would not see me standing there as this show was much better than any on the TV.  As I was getting ready to enter the room and announce my presence, she spoke.
Not to me but To herself.
The fact that she spoke to herself did NOT freak me out in itself... it was what she spoke that hit me like a ton of bricks.  She was saying hello to herself over and over and smiling then,

"You are a bad bad girl... yes, yes you are.

You are ugly... you have no friends."

I walked into the room, trying to be nonchalant so as not to let on that I heard her.  She turned and smiled at me, explaining happily that she was looking at herself.  She then explained that she was talking to herself too... happily explaining that the Boom in the mirror talked back too. 

I am not concerned at the mirror incident, the talking and talking back... perhaps I should be?  I do know that my daughter's illnesses also cause mental disturbances {for lack of a better word} or that her mental capacity is not able to encompass and grasp the concept of a mirror image...

What breaks my mommy heart is that she fells she is bad... and ugly.

Rewind... 5 hours earlier...

Boom and I were informed that she needs not one but 2 hearing aids.  {I will share my personal thoughts on this on a later post.} 

In the daily life of a soon to be 16 year old girl this is huge...   We spent some time together lying on the bed... mostly mommy listening to how she felt, and I tell you what she felt was not pretty.  She is sad and a little afraid of getting these devices { she understands why she needs them} but she is mostly MAD.  It broke my heart to hear her so angry with herself for needing them.  She feels somehow responsible; as if something she has done or said... has caused the need for the devices. Boom told me she was sorry... 'so sorry mommy... I'm sorry'

This is where being a Special Needs Mommy gets tough...

There is nothing I will not do, no fight I will not fight for this child.  I have performed life sustaining procedures on this child which one never dreams of performing on their 'own' child.  I've pinned my 1 year old to the ground by sitting on her to change a trach... I've performed CPR and bagged my own lifeless child in crisis.  I've wiped my daughter's blood drenched stoma after a nurse in charge of her home care nearly killed her... 

You DO what you need to DO when you need to DO it.  Then you break down later... out of sight of your child.  SN parents are awesome like that!

What I can't seem to do is make my child understand just how perfectly beautiful she is.  

That this life she has been given is not her fault!