Saturday, July 16, 2011

Through the Darkness

Pin It
I have been down, but I am not out.  I've been traveling a path lately which has been full of darkeness and sometimes utter despair.  I have been fearful.  I have been angry.  I have felt very lost.  I have even had moments when I really felt the need to just give up.  I have been absent from my own life for over a month now.  I've struggled with myself about completely giving up this blog as well because I have been too afraid to share my struggle with you all. 

I have been struggling with a very severe bout of depression.  There I said it.  Whew...

Seriously, I could go on and on about this happening and that happening.  I thought I could justify my darkness by blaming society, money issues, a handicapped child, a sick mother in law...
that's why I'm sad.  Those personal issues sure play a part in how a person feels on a day to day basis, but this had become so much more for me.   I felt no desire to partake in my life.  I still struggle daily with this.  Happiness was a short lived moment in my day, if I could find it at all.  Thoughts became a jumbled mess... crying, shaking, even stuttering because the words would just not come out.

It's taken me a little while to start to feel normal again.  The stressors in my life are still there, but I'm learning (again) to deal with them (with help), see I've struggled with depression for the past 15 years.  This most recent bout has been the worst I've been in about 15 years and it is mighty frightening!

I understand if ya'll turn and run... really fast for the door... NOW!

but, I'd sure LUV it if you'd hang around a bit longer.

I am starting to Think Smink again...

The worst part of coming back into the light of reality is knowing that you've let a lot of people down.
I've slipped in life and picking up all the peices is difficult in itself.  The most embarrassing part of all this is just that.  Like the child who slips and falls in the lunch room, getting up, looking around and praying that 'noone just saw that'.  My prayer is that the peices have not shattered beyond repair.

My friend Andie Jaye over at Crayon Freckles has given me the strength to come back here... aware that you all 'know now'.   She has been wonderfully supportive through all this via her emails and well wishes.   She did not 'know'... but I think somehow she did.   Andie was just published in a letter to the editor of Parents Mag with a wonderful letter about her own struggles with bipolar disorder and depression.  Andie, I appreciate you & I thank you!  You are truely amazing.

Thank you all for hanging around as I get back to me... You are all amazing!

7 comments:

Bethany @ A Fish Who Likes Flowers said...

I think everyone stumbles at times, but getting back up, dusting yourself off and moving forward, no matter the obstacles, makes you better, stronger and smarter. I have missed your clever creativeness, but realize that people lives outside of the computer and those lives are way more important. Thank you for the courage to share something so personal. And I'm happy to hear that things are getting better.

Rebecca @ My Girlish Whims said...

Aw Kim :( I've been wondering what you've been up to lately. I' so sorry for everything you are going through. We'll stick around! At least I will :) Blogger love <3 <3

Gloria (The Little Red House with the White Porch) said...

Hi, Kim. I've been on a 'blogging break' myself, and I have recently been trying to visit blogs every once in a while. I saw your post on my reading list, and I said: "Oh, I must go over there right now!" Of course, I will stick with you! You are not alone - you have your blogging friends, along with your family and friends, I am sure. It's just that when one is in such a state as you are in, it is hard to feel or see the love around you. But know that you are not alone, we ALL go through things. But it does seem that your plate is fuller than a lot of other people's are. And it doesn't seem fair. Just having to deal with your everyday things (worries about your child, your mother-in-law, money woes) would be enough to make anyone want to give up. But your family needs you -- even if the only thing you can do right now is be there in body, and not yet in 'happy' spirit, that's OK. They will take that and wait until you find the strength to be there in full again. So take your time in getting back to your old self. If you try to rush yourself, it won't be good. Just take it day by day. You say you've slipped and picking up the pieces is difficult... Yes, it is. So don't try to rush and pick them up. Pick them up one at a time, at YOUR pace. If you try to do it fast, pick them all up at once, you might drop what you've already picked up! So take your time. I hope that you will be feeling better as each day goes on, and I will certainly be praying for you. God bless you, Kim.
Best,
Gloria

Gloria (The Little Red House with the White Porch) said...

P.S. I will also say what another commenter said: Thank you for sharing and you are very brave and have courage to share your personal story.
gv

Emily said...

I'm so not running for the door I'm glad your back. I can't acutally hug you but am sending huggy thoughts your way. Also it seems baby would like to type you a message as he's madly trying to hit my keyboard. Smile as much as you can and I'm glad your not giving up on the blog.

Becky from Brandon, Florida said...

I was just thinking of you today and realized I have not seen you on FB. As you can tell on my blog, I have not posted in way over a month either. I have been going through the same thing as you my dear friend. I just have not posted it, and I am so proud of you for doing so. As I sit here not showering for 3 days now....I want you to know you are not alone. Mine started with panic attacks about 20 years ago. I have been on meds ever since. They do help the attacks, but not the depression. I have my days where I force myself out into the world. I did some thrifting last week, but have not posted it yet. I want you to know that I had a feeling to check your blog to check up on you. Isn't that weird? I knew we were two peas in a pod sometime in life. :) As Barnie says....Big Hug!

customteddys said...

Life is difficult sometimes. I don't know anybody who hasn't struggled in this world. Sharing our struggles is what gets us through. Know that people care. So, ease up on yourself and your expectations of yourself and breathe, breathe, breathe... deeply. Hugs, Vicki

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...