I have been down, but I am not out. I've been traveling a path lately which has been full of darkeness and sometimes utter despair. I have been fearful. I have been angry. I have felt very lost. I have even had moments when I really felt the need to just give up. I have been absent from my own life for over a month now. I've struggled with myself about completely giving up this blog as well because I have been too afraid to share my struggle with you all.
I have been struggling with a very severe bout of depression. There I said it. Whew...
Seriously, I could go on and on about this happening and that happening. I thought I could justify my darkness by blaming society, money issues, a handicapped child, a sick mother in law...
that's why I'm sad. Those personal issues sure play a part in how a person feels on a day to day basis, but this had become so much more for me. I felt no desire to partake in my life. I still struggle daily with this. Happiness was a short lived moment in my day, if I could find it at all. Thoughts became a jumbled mess... crying, shaking, even stuttering because the words would just not come out.
It's taken me a little while to start to feel normal again. The stressors in my life are still there, but I'm learning (again) to deal with them (with help), see I've struggled with depression for the past 15 years. This most recent bout has been the worst I've been in about 15 years and it is mighty frightening!
I understand if ya'll turn and run... really fast for the door... NOW!
but, I'd sure LUV it if you'd hang around a bit longer.
I am starting to Think Smink again...
The worst part of coming back into the light of reality is knowing that you've let a lot of people down.
I've slipped in life and picking up all the peices is difficult in itself. The most embarrassing part of all this is just that. Like the child who slips and falls in the lunch room, getting up, looking around and praying that 'noone just saw that'. My prayer is that the peices have not shattered beyond repair.
My friend Andie Jaye over at Crayon Freckles has given me the strength to come back here... aware that you all 'know now'. She has been wonderfully supportive through all this via her emails and well wishes. She did not 'know'... but I think somehow she did. Andie was just published in a letter to the editor of Parents Mag with a wonderful letter about her own struggles with bipolar disorder and depression. Andie, I appreciate you & I thank you! You are truely amazing.
Thank you all for hanging around as I get back to me... You are all amazing!