Learning To Live

Every day I sit to write a post... an update so to speak in this fairy tale life I often joke about living here.  So many thoughts rush through my mind but jumble as my fingers type them into words.  Since October 10th, the day hubby was diagnosed with Cancer, my entire world has changed.  Our whole family's lives have tumbled and twisted down the rabbit hole.  Nothing seems real and nothing feels familiar anymore.

I've been very depressed.  Guess that's only natural when the man you love and chose to spend the rest of your life with is diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic Lung Cancer.  When the realization hits; when it really sinks in... the floor beneath your feet drops.  The tumor that was lodged deep in his brain is now gone thanks to major brain surgery and Cyberknife Radiation therapy yet the 2 and a half inch tumor that sits high in his lung is inoperable.   We are currently waiting to start 3 treatments of Cyberknife Radiation on the lung tumor, then chemo...

did you catch that?

"We"...  I always say that... "We".  Jim has the diagnosis...Jim has had the surgeries, the radiation and he will sit in the chair while the chemo meds pump through his body- but WE both are learning to live with it. 

I cry.  Not a day goes by in which I do not shed at least a tear.  That horrid feeling when you find your mind has drifted into that place in which you realize you will probably not get the chance to be that sweet old couple enjoying your children's children together.  That this time next year he may not be with me and the kids.  Panic sets in.  I realize that these thoughts that race through my mind and cause me to lose my breath do me NO good... but I don't know how to stop them from coming. 

With the love of family and support of friends, through countless prayer, lots of shed tears and oh just a smidge of anger... We as a Family are learning to live with Cancer.  I do not want to spend the rest of our precious time together... waiting... waiting for Jim to die.  I want to live every second and celebrate each moment of every day we have left.  The past few months I have honestly been in that waiting mode.  It is not a pleasant place to be.  This is hard... I'm not trying to fool myself that even harder days may be lurking around the corner.  What I am trying to learn is that God has given us a life to live.  A second chance perhaps to show each other every second of every day how much we love each other... Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, we will not exchange any fancy gifts, roses or even dinner at a posh restaurant rather we will vow to show each other through words, actions, and expressions how much we love each other every day.  I hope you all get the chance to do the same.

I'm slowly trying to place the shattered pieces where they belong... I've finally started to paint again.
I will slowly begin to integrate myself back into the blog.  For now, I have re-opened my Etsy shop and will focus a bit on getting that back to 100%.  To many of you, I apologize... Many of your beautiful comments went unanswered to do a glitch in my email (and my negligence in checking the blog)- I appreciate every word of encouragement sent.  Hopefully it has all been resolved and I'd love to hear from you!

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